Coming in from the cold

I am happy and relieved to report that after nearly two months banished to the Siberia of the PayPal universe, I have been granted a pardon.

Friday night began exactly like the 13 nights before it. I was tucked in under the down comforter listening to the wet iron lung noises coming from my chest and petting Mendoza, who was issuing his own contented rumblings. The TV was on but I was only pretending to watch another in the endless parade of second-rate movies chosen more for their eligibility in the 5-for-the-price-of-4 offer than any perceived merit. The title of this particular gem in question escapes me, but I was in the throes of the horrified realization that I’d actually seen it before when the phone rang.

I won’t pretend to know what PayPal’s hiring practices are, but with every call I become increasingly convinced that having a smoulderingly sexy phone voice is a key criterion. The ear candy and I chatted for a good 25  minutes that concluded with his assessment that “after speaking with you, I don’t think it will be necessary to have you fill out an affadavit”. Such a sweet talker! Further, he promised to release my funds and restore my account with the caveat that should I want to collect money for a charity I would fill out the required paperwork. He invited me to reinstall the PayPal button on my blog but to be sure I included a note that any donations were for personal use.

So there you have it: a happy ending to a rather ugly chapter in my adventures in do-goodery.

To those of you who have found this site or posting because you were searching “PayPal closed my account”, the only advice I can give is to perservere, politely. PayPal’s investigations protocols are set up so that you are never assigned a single case officer and emails are sent from addresses that do not accept replies. Continuity is interrupted, so it is up to you to stay on top of your own case. Ask how you can bring your account into compliance, and if you don’t get a straight answer, ask again. Follow up. Keep records. Be respectful. And maybe, just maybe, one night you’ll get the call.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Coming in from the cold

  1. Bev Jones

    YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Tara

    Now that’s what you call a surprise ending.

  3. Does this mean you can finally get your birthday money?

  4. Arami

    Great ending to a wildly entertaining and enlightening horror show for you! I was just reading this and turned around to see Darren wheezing in laughter. Apparently “the wet iron lung noises coming from my chest” was the funniest thing he had ever heard, and he hung his head in his hands and just laughed – hard – for a minute. Your writing is brilliant and fun.

  5. Craiggers

    Let the excitement begin again, Lord Kennaway!!!

  6. Noelle

    Wow. David actually beat Goliath! Or maybe just e-slandered him until he politely resigned.

    If I’m not mistaken, this epic saga was exactly how the first draft of Erin Brockovich played out… before the producers realized Erin couldn’t use her super-powered cleavage to her advantage over the phone. It seems you managed that feat well enough.

    • ksenett

      You’ve seen my cleavage – you shouldn’t be so surprised. Not sure how we’re going to work it with Kevin Bacon in the lead but I’m pretty sure he can sex it up. Just watch Footloose.

      P.S. “Slander” implies untruth. Everything I reported could be held to the highest standards of journalistic integrity. And where else are you going to get the inside scoop on how damned sexy the compliance department sounds on the phone?

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